Virtually out of nowhere you came to mind a couple weeks ago. I found you, and was glad to see things going so well. I thought back to when I knew you, and though our pasts are gone, memories immediately pierced my heart.

I know we’ve talked since, and I know now our lives are entirely separate. I would much rather say this directly to you, but at this point I am not able.

I would like to apologize for my terrible behavior toward you so long ago. I want to make amends. My life has been plagued by selfishness and immaturity – at taking advantage of people and using them up. It is the profile of an addict, or social leech. Only by the infinite grace of God have I been made aware of my shortcomings, the terrible hurts I’ve caused in others’ lives, the strife, chaos, and the stumbling block I made of myself as I ascended into adulthood. His blood has cleansed me, and He has clothed me in His righteousness, but the charred pathway of my lost humanity still remains.

My iniquity scarred many. You at one point were affected, and I never fully stopped to understand the consequences of my actions. Even to this day, my heart has changed, but my memories lay dormant. Oh, how my heart does hurt! I know these things are so far away now, they most likely never cross your mind. I acted as the antithesis of a brother to you. When I left you and confirmed what, at the time, were your worst fears (or at least a very valid and hurtful concern) I acted out of love only for myself. I did not treat you with respect, the respect you so obviously and generously deserve as a person, woman, and child of God. I did not treat you with kindness. I wrecked your confidence, distanced you from a close friend, and caused you – someone whose graceful, kind, and gentle spirit infinitely blessed my life – a heart full of pain. You NEVER deserved that. My soul is wracked with disgust for myself. I wish more than anything I could make these things right, and I am crushed by the horror that I may never be able to. All I can do is this: I lay my heart before you. I lay all that I have. It’s taken so many years, but I truly understand now. I’m am so sorry, and I ask that if it is possible, that you please find it in your heart to forgive me. I know I don’t deserve even the slightest kindness, I don’t expect a rekindled friendship, or relationship of any kind. I am so, so sorry.

Lord, I pray blessings and honor upon my sister in Christ. I praise you and thank you for using even things buried so far away for your glory. Father, I ask that any pain and strife I have caused in her life be provided for with an infinitely greater amount of love, happiness, peace, and healing. Thank you for using her words and attitude to bless my life subconsciously all these years, and for your mercy and humility in birthing this heart of repentance in me. In Jesus mighty name, provide her a cover of protection. Guard her heart, and allow only those with pure and righteous intentions access. Use me as an instrument of grace and protection in others’ lives. You are beautiful and Your ways are perfect. Thank You for Your Wisdom and Love. Thank you for your forgiveness, Lord, and for the Life you have made in us. Decrease our selves, oh God, and let your Spirit reign within us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

“…if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”
—Matthew 5:23-24, NIV

Did I step on your trumpet? Yeah, big time.

One last thing, and this is absolutely up to you. Here is my personal contact information. If you are interested in resuming communication with me, I would very much welcome it. If not, I completely understand. Thank you for hearing me.

Phone: 214-293-9564
Email: randy@bangarang.us
AIM: CAPTAlNWOW

I’m not including my address here, as this posts automatically to my Facebook and I want to maintain some semblance of privacy, plus I’m about to move. But, if you’d like that information for whatever reason you’re more than welcome to ask.