Virtually out of nowhere you came to mind a couple weeks ago. I found you, and was glad to see things going so well. I thought back to when I knew you, and though our pasts are gone, memories immediately pierced my heart.

I know we’ve talked since, and I know now our lives are entirely separate. I would much rather say this directly to you, but at this point I am not able.

I would like to apologize for my terrible behavior toward you so long ago. I want to make amends. My life has been plagued by selfishness and immaturity – at taking advantage of people and using them up. It is the profile of an addict, or social leech. Only by the infinite grace of God have I been made aware of my shortcomings, the terrible hurts I’ve caused in others’ lives, the strife, chaos, and the stumbling block I made of myself as I ascended into adulthood. His blood has cleansed me, and He has clothed me in His righteousness, but the charred pathway of my lost humanity still remains.

My iniquity scarred many. You at one point were affected, and I never fully stopped to understand the consequences of my actions. Even to this day, my heart has changed, but my memories lay dormant. Oh, how my heart does hurt! I know these things are so far away now, they most likely never cross your mind. I acted as the antithesis of a brother to you. When I left you and confirmed what, at the time, were your worst fears (or at least a very valid and hurtful concern) I acted out of love only for myself. I did not treat you with respect, the respect you so obviously and generously deserve as a person, woman, and child of God. I did not treat you with kindness. I wrecked your confidence, distanced you from a close friend, and caused you – someone whose graceful, kind, and gentle spirit infinitely blessed my life – a heart full of pain. You NEVER deserved that. My soul is wracked with disgust for myself. I wish more than anything I could make these things right, and I am crushed by the horror that I may never be able to. All I can do is this: I lay my heart before you. I lay all that I have. It’s taken so many years, but I truly understand now. I’m am so sorry, and I ask that if it is possible, that you please find it in your heart to forgive me. I know I don’t deserve even the slightest kindness, I don’t expect a rekindled friendship, or relationship of any kind. I am so, so sorry.

Lord, I pray blessings and honor upon my sister in Christ. I praise you and thank you for using even things buried so far away for your glory. Father, I ask that any pain and strife I have caused in her life be provided for with an infinitely greater amount of love, happiness, peace, and healing. Thank you for using her words and attitude to bless my life subconsciously all these years, and for your mercy and humility in birthing this heart of repentance in me. In Jesus mighty name, provide her a cover of protection. Guard her heart, and allow only those with pure and righteous intentions access. Use me as an instrument of grace and protection in others’ lives. You are beautiful and Your ways are perfect. Thank You for Your Wisdom and Love. Thank you for your forgiveness, Lord, and for the Life you have made in us. Decrease our selves, oh God, and let your Spirit reign within us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

“…if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”
—Matthew 5:23-24, NIV

Did I step on your trumpet? Yeah, big time.

One last thing, and this is absolutely up to you. Here is my personal contact information. If you are interested in resuming communication with me, I would very much welcome it. If not, I completely understand. Thank you for hearing me.

Phone: 214-293-9564
Email: randy@bangarang.us
AIM: CAPTAlNWOW

I’m not including my address here, as this posts automatically to my Facebook and I want to maintain some semblance of privacy, plus I’m about to move. But, if you’d like that information for whatever reason you’re more than welcome to ask.

Commence: Now!

Instead of a box of chocolates life is more like forcing yourself to stare into the sun. Or reaching into the lion’s mouth. Have faith in God, climb in, sift through his entrails. You’ve got to pull your soul out.

And anyone who says it isn’t is a liar and should be fwapped in the face by an old man’s cane for living like spooked horses heading toward ravines.

Step one in grabbing the reigns: Really remember that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. The lie of youth is that nothing is impossible, the lie of adulthood is that everything is impossible. The word of Truth is that nothing is impossible with God. The stumbling block here is the stumbling block anywhere – the physical muckery of it all. Rationality is a custom concept. A connection to God is established when it becomes rational to do so. Set your limits HIGHER. Expect MORE. Raise the standards of what you put your trust into. Stop selling yourself short.

Quote me on this:
Faith is the place where rationality and spirituality meet. It is the intersecting point of two realities. It is a sixth sense. The only human means of transcending the confines of the few dimensions we can comprehend. People say the need for faith is God’s greatest curse. I think it is one of God’s greatest mercies.

We are spared from witnessing and physically taking part in a myriad of warfare and chaos (on our behalf) in other dimensions, at the hands of creatures far more powerful and capable than ourselves. If that isn’t enough, we are given the right to directly participate in fighting (and winning) these battles without so much as sustaining a scratch or smelling the burning “flesh” of the enemy. To access these battles and deal our death blows to the enemy, we must simply exercise our ability of Faith.

Faith is not easily definable in human terms, probably because it is so un-human. Or rather, un-what humans have become. It is the divine language of communion. It is excluded from culture, science, and most religion – but it is core and central to our being. Perhaps (to quote the late, great White Zombie) it is MORE human than human.

Pray against devils. Pray against addictions. Pray against evil. Speak out against these things with the authority you have in Christ. If you are not in Christ, GET THERE. Break the chains you’ve been wrapped in. Crash through the windows. Run from the maze. Open the lion’s mouth and reach in and take back your soul.

It IS that easy.

Lord Jesus, please save me from my idiocy. Please save me from myself.
Oh God! Keep making me into something new! Hurry! I want to be so much more yours.

Fact: I am a creature of obsession. I am dishonest with myself about this and have been for far too long. My obsessions are vain attempts to escape primary reality by building a false sense of hopefulness in an alternate “preferred” reality. Thus my life, motivations, and persona get shaped by the view down from the clouds. I get a chemical fix in my brain by imagining my life without the missed opportunities and terrifyingly mundane true realities occurring around me at all times. My dream-life is the future outcome of a past not yet lived. Like dimensional protrusions – they’re the carrots I taunt myself with to keep going.

The scary thing is, I’m supposed to be going because God has called me to go, not because I’m dangling juicy “what-ifs” in front of my own face. I saturate my mind in situational probabilities. I look to the unlikely and I recline in the dead places. Why do I need to hang onto the past?

In my Tuesday night 12-step group, we talk about hoarding. I hoard memories of lives never lived. I hoard impossible dreams. I collect them and I play them back and forth. I stumble through existence hoping to suddenly open a door and woosh! They’re reality! My retreat into fictions has starved my present self of a full awareness of God’s glory and richness NOW.

Fact: There is no one in the room but God. Lord, are you calling out to me? Are you wondering why I see others faces in place of your own? Are you wondering why I seek shadows and barter dust? You see my heart, my selfishness. My pride and arrogance. I’m sorry, Lord. I confess these things unto you. Take them and draw them out of me. Fill me with your Love. Let your strength be my guide, over and through the fear of the stark present. I’ve lived lifetimes in dreams. Lord, take control of my heart and guide me through the blessing of today. You have commanded the sun to shine and the earth to turn. Thank you for my awareness of now. Thank you for the richness of your daily blessing.

I choose today to serve you.

It’s high time my life was fully centered on You.

Eff yes.

R.E.M. just released an amazing new record, FINALLY. Took them long enough.
And I’m taking my life back. Or rather I’m giving it to God more fully. I’m having victory over the scourge of my entire existence, I’m delving as deep as one can go. I’m tearing out the roots. I’m burning it all in the fire. I’m laughing maniacally and dancing around with joy. You can’t beat me because the One who gives me power is BIGGER than you. You couldn’t take my brains, you couldn’t take my consciousness, you couldn’t take my lungs or any of my organs, you couldn’t take my income or my happiness, you can’t take my self-confidence, my future, my eyes, or my dreams. You lost. Get gone and I’m exploding onto the scene like prism of delight.

Let’s get in the car and drive. A long long ways away and back. For fun. Let’s watching the stars swirling overhead and say WOW WE’RE SO NOT ALONE. To be alone with You is to be with a million screaming fans. My invisible best friend, I just realized you were there. Your empty space is filled in all my memories. You and me are like speeding bullets breaking out of the atmosphere. And I don’t care what comes next. It’s going to be fine. I’m going to sing and dance and say THANKS! Because I can, and You deserve the credit.

I’ve got music to make. I’ve got people to meet. I’ve got things to learn and projects to complete. I’ve got love to give and arms outstretched waiting to receive all over. I don’t even remember what you people did before. It doesn’t matter I suppose, let’s just start over. The past has been turned to dust and blown away, swept up by the janitor. I’ve no grudges to hold. No faces to grope for memories of. I’m right here, right now, and ready to grab you by the collar and ask, “Why are you worrying about all this nonsense? Get real with me.” And then we so will.

It’s over for us. Let it burst. Pour it out upon the cracking ground. It will disappear in time.
Please hear me. Your tears say you’re not listening, they say, “I don’t understand.”
You break yourself in cheap reality. You hang on for dear life to the finite.
Let go.

What I say is Truth. It is finished, and I do not want you again. Never is a strong word, a word for fools, but I use it wisely.
Guard your heart, don’t let it harden.
Be like the caterpillar and seek the face of God.
Let Him overtake you and make you whole.

Drink new wine.

START PRAYING!
STOP SCREWING UP!

Ok. So that was a big fake out which nobody responded to. But since I am so insignificant, I will now openly talk about how I’m not actually engaged and yet leave the information up. I’m half expecting someone to mention it to me in a month, long after my denouncement. Because that’s how it goes.

Powerless, powerless. Interesting assortment of people are moving in and out of my life now. Like tourists on an escalator. A motorized walkway. I’m kind of indifferent. I sense opportunities. I do not take them. But must my actions seriously be questioned? It seems no matter what I do, it rains controversy. I suppose I should confine my life to a tube and get some peace.

I haven’t been much able to get fired up like I used to. Maybe I’m burnt out. I’m underweight. Chronically it seems. My mom’s right. I feel good. I eat a lot. Food, it’s got no staying power. It’s something like 20-30 lbs. And falling, as evidenced by my visit to the kidney clinic.

I have to move again. I need options. I need a place to stay and really get things together. Three months, I can do it in three months, I promise. Three months and I’m gone. I don’t want to be around in three months, you know? I want this just as badly as all you people do.

Is everything always a fight?

Life lesson: Absolutely nothing comes easy.

I am so depressed it’s unfathomable even to me. I feel like I’m being continually squeezed like a lemon. My soul is cramping up. Ugh. What IS this? Why? Whether you believe or not, if you’re out there, say a prayer for me. I’ll be the first to admit I need to quit mucking about and do what I came to do, pure and simple.

So, let’s begin. I’m going to go clean myself. Pray some. Sleep. And wake up and broadside this bogus journey with a soulful of Jesus.

Dad. You better hug me next time you see me.

I am way too needy for my own good. I got to get a handle on this. Start the constrictions! Freeze the assets!

Note: I’ll be posting alot of non-me posts very soon. But blog = journal = personal S.