August 31, 2007, 2:55 am
Filed under: Garble

Hey kids, let’s ooze into the forest floor.

Not my own.
August 31, 2007, 2:53 am
Filed under: Poem Goo

I sleep in a bed that’s not my own
It’s not yours. It’s no-ones.
I selfishly hog the covers, my white knuckled grip upon them.
Crushing me.
I don’t feel the pain. I feel a void.
Recovery is superhuman. Life denying expectations.
They recently found a hole in the universe, you know. A big one. Billions of miles across.
That is where we are together.
In the singularity, it’s a mish-mash of alternate realities.
Planets collide and immerse us in primordial ooze.
Living in a dream is a lot of work. Maybe I should ask for a raise.

Profound moment #57
August 31, 2007, 2:45 am
Filed under: Poem Goo

The ocean’s deep.
Space is big.
You’ll realize this when you’re out walking and collapse to the ground.
And weep just like me.

Dogs of L.A.
August 31, 2007, 1:43 am
Filed under: Garble

Apparently serious vegetarians are all supposed to fast between the hours of 2pm and 5pm says every freaking vegan restaurant in the known area.

Today was an interesting and on some levels deeply disturbing day. I’m not phased, as I get older these are more and more often the kind of days I can rely on. Accidentally watched a very well directed, edited, dare I say “crafted” yet absolutely terrible Rob Zombie movie. Ventured to have lunch with an incredibly attractive young lady. Mexican mini-mall for no reason other than, “They had sweet deals on boots.” Somewhat surreal, not at all contrived, but again – not phased. What’s the deal?

Where was God in all this, I wonder? There, wondering why I wasted my time, spiritually speaking. Quote of the day, “I don’t NOT love Jesus.” Sigh. Bludgeon me, even Chris’ got a girlfriend. And I don’t mean George.

It’s all about having a car, isn’t it? Financing here I come.

Anybody who talks trash about HSA plans can take it outside with me.

Thanks, Liz.
August 31, 2007, 1:15 am
Filed under: TV Ooze

I love you. This made my day.

Ape lamp.
August 25, 2007, 11:00 am
Filed under: Make Out Party

I am just so exxcited about Nolan.

The greatest love is made from a patchwork of small loves. Quilts of goodness. You are descending dressed in purity. So beautiful. So stark. The voice from the mountaintop has silenced. The wind is in your hair. Bells are ringing.

Your hands sweep across the countryside; cumulus. They are mighty drifting shadows. They are cooling the hot and tired earth below. Its cracks and jagged edges are healing. Legs are straightening. The little boy can walk again. The blind man can see. I am hiding in the corner of the balcony that oversees the city. The lights are coming on. Nighttime is upon us! We open our umbrellas simultaneously as a flood of tears streams down from your face above. Your water gives life. Mighty oaks will spring up in the morning light.

Stay awhile. Let me caress your face. It’s not so terrible, is it? To be loved in a different way? It’s the same way blood flows through your veins. It longs to move you. To experience what chains you to humanity. One life is a quick synapse traveling across the universal mind. The blood longs to shake you. Hypnotic pulsing vibrations shoot out my hands, reverberating throughout the dense air. The hush of the room settles as a muted bump in the night. Fetal curlings beneath the oak. Small ones, in symbiotic love.

We are occasionally cast in the desert – into the fire. We slip on the blood, it covers everything. We plead and struggle. It is the only way. A mystery lies asleep beside me in the future. Her eyes gaze into my past. Her heart lights my darkest nights.

God will not allow us to die inside. He has too much life to give.

August 24, 2007, 2:22 am
Filed under: Garble

God is great, God is good. I wonder where I’m making my mistakes. I know some of them, but I don’t know what I need to change to get things right. Am I being punished? I hate this animosity. I don’t need this stress. I need harmony and stability. I need comfort and joy. I don’t really care about my circumstances, I just want peace and contentment. Why can’t friendship, caring, and love abound? Will someone join me.

My blogs are probably boring. Lonely rants from the isolated victim. I should be hopeful and resourceful. I just keep feeling like the walls are closing in around me. I have to constantly remind myself that nothing is fucked and it isn’t that bad. And it’s true. People are much worse off than me. I am not the center of the universe, I definitely know that. Is the key to happiness completely letting go of all your desires and dreams? Logically it seems that way; if one gives up all hope, they have nothing else to hope for, therefore they are just by immediately existing fulfilled. I praise God that I exist, but I am driven by my humanity (maybe, or something deeper?) to want more from my existence. To value companionship, love, and a positive life slope. I want to be making tracks, not treading water.

Maybe my problem is my faith. Or my lack thereof. We must have the faith that God can somehow give us peace, happiness, contentment but still leave us able to hope and strive for more at the same time. The two seem mutually exclusive, but maybe that only serves to show the limitations to the realms of my thinking. God can accomplish the impossible, even in me.

I wonder about my kidney operation coming up. I wonder about Matt in the military. How alone and isolated he must feel. How hard he worked, only to resign himself to beginning again in a new, alien place. A huge, cold, nondescript bureaucracy. Does he feel as alone as I do? And I have so much perceived freedom. Maybe I’m chained by my own thoughts and vices. Maybe it’s bitterness where there should be love.

You must learn to love people. It is the only thing truly important.

How can I contain myself? How can I keep from lashing back? Bullheadedness, misunderstanding and apathy are constant sources of pain for me, but how to fight back in love? How to love regardless? I marvel at Christ. I want to be like Him.

I don’t want to do this alone. God send me a suitable companion. Please.

Screw this! You’ve never been a duck!
August 7, 2007, 2:35 am
Filed under: Garble

I don’t know what I mean right now I’m just going.

I say this weekend we just let it all fly to the breeze, man.
Who’re we trying to impress, anyway? The six people who are about to show up?

Bad habits have creeped up on me again. Shame on you. Me. I’ll stop again tomorrow and we’ll do the dance. Try again for another few weeks or months. Years, hopefully. Right?

My coaster has a bad habit of sticking to my drink.

I am too intense for my or anybody’s good, supposedly. So intense that a friend just looked at my Facebook profile and said, “Woah, pretty intense profile, man.” I’m like, I state my height and what movies I like, what the hey? It must be the Bible quote. Wayyy to extreme for the masses, right?

Everyone is so like human all of a sudden. I feel like I could maybe do any thing. Any number of things. My mood is embodied in a show we did a long while back in the beginning stages with Comrade (Starflyer 59?). Rip you a new one! Thank you Ben, that really stuck with me.

Remember how we all got so psyched about playing with Starflyer 59? Such quintessential Christian teens. We totally read the signs under the cds at Berean or Mardell’s or whatever where they compare whatever Christian band to some popular secular band in hopes that kids will be swayed (duped) into listening to God fearing music because of the supposed sonic similarities. Little did they know that we were smart.

Not to say that Jason Martin (and his bro) aren’t badasses. They are. Their music is great. It’s just sort of the principle of the whole thing. I’ve always wanted to have some kind of a big Christian reunion festival, where all of the old garde come together and get revived. Like Morella’s Forest, SF59, Zao, Strongarm (remember?), Roadside Monument, The (effing) Cootees!, Ghoti Hook?, Damien Jurado (who’s actually done well for himself), Pedro the Lion (really well), PEP SQUAD (don’t even act like you didn’t buy the first record), Sal Paradise, The Julies (a little obscure, I know), and oh crap I can’t remember anymore right now but it would be great nonetheless. I went to a T&N fest once when I was in early high school. Made an impression. I got tickets from the Supertones trombone player. Sigh.

This entry sucks.

Shot by both sides.
August 4, 2007, 2:02 am
Filed under: Garble

I’m such literary trash lately. So pulp. Cheap noir. Bad cologne. Fake leather jacket. False teeth kind of vibe coming off of me. I’m probably depressed again. What did I say in my last installment? Oh yes…powerless, powerless. Realization of universal powerlessness must be one of those things you experience as you press in to God, indeed realizing that you are not God. We are nothing, except, I dunno, space-takers. Puzzle pegs-like.

I want to quickly bounce back from this. I feel like subconsciously I am trying to search for that line between what I need God for and what I don’t. The limits to my own personal ability, where I end and He begins. His miraculous power that he bestows on me to finish the race. Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? I had to.

I had some dreams, but they’re all full of holes. I had some sails, but now they’re all tatters in the breeze. My ship is floating nowhere. In limbo. The last card was played. The last candle burnt out. The vigil in the window snuffed and smoking, vapors curling like cats in darkness. Thick and inky, beyond the sill. It pours over the lawn. Flows into my veins. Ices my heart down. Cryogenically preserved for a warmer future. Maybe.

But it’s like, what do you do next? I stomp through my days wishing I was content with myself. I am trying to come to grips with the lost years. Treading water all that time. Just delaying the inevitable. I should have cleaned house long ago, but I was afraid, you know? Of what I’d find, of my hopes being just the foolish whimsy of the idealist adolescent.
Maybe if I was more of a man. It stings a little, then retreats into numb. Humming numb. Like the battery taste. Water dripping in the other room noises. I’ve seen too many movies. I keep thinking something is going to happen. Something will validate my naivete. Some revelation at least. Something. Anything.

The only answer is that of the vastness of the sky. The hugeness of being. The gigantics of matter. The tendrils of space, far reaching, infinite. I am but a blink of an eye. The universe is gaping like a raw open mouth. Swallowing me up in all its mighty indifference. Nothing about this makes sense. There is no logic to it. Why was I cursed with this painful duty of being the protagonist in the tragedy?

You can’t be one for anyone. They say, you’re a fool without logic. So you get logical. They say, you’re not using your heart enough. You have to find a good balance. You can’t just assume something would be good just because everything about it is good. That’s like calling a duck a duck. Too simple.

In reality, beyond the sugarcoat, the answer is something much more stark, brazen, primal, shallow. You’re beneath me. I’m surprised you couldn’t see that. You must be deluded. But hey, you’re good for a laugh.