Filed under: Truth
Virtually out of nowhere you came to mind a couple weeks ago. I found you, and was glad to see things going so well. I thought back to when I knew you, and though our pasts are gone, memories immediately pierced my heart.
I know we’ve talked since, and I know now our lives are entirely separate. I would much rather say this directly to you, but at this point I am not able.
I would like to apologize for my terrible behavior toward you so long ago. I want to make amends. My life has been plagued by selfishness and immaturity – at taking advantage of people and using them up. It is the profile of an addict, or social leech. Only by the infinite grace of God have I been made aware of my shortcomings, the terrible hurts I’ve caused in others’ lives, the strife, chaos, and the stumbling block I made of myself as I ascended into adulthood. His blood has cleansed me, and He has clothed me in His righteousness, but the charred pathway of my lost humanity still remains.
My iniquity scarred many. You at one point were affected, and I never fully stopped to understand the consequences of my actions. Even to this day, my heart has changed, but my memories lay dormant. Oh, how my heart does hurt! I know these things are so far away now, they most likely never cross your mind. I acted as the antithesis of a brother to you. When I left you and confirmed what, at the time, were your worst fears (or at least a very valid and hurtful concern) I acted out of love only for myself. I did not treat you with respect, the respect you so obviously and generously deserve as a person, woman, and child of God. I did not treat you with kindness. I wrecked your confidence, distanced you from a close friend, and caused you – someone whose graceful, kind, and gentle spirit infinitely blessed my life – a heart full of pain. You NEVER deserved that. My soul is wracked with disgust for myself. I wish more than anything I could make these things right, and I am crushed by the horror that I may never be able to. All I can do is this: I lay my heart before you. I lay all that I have. It’s taken so many years, but I truly understand now. I’m am so sorry, and I ask that if it is possible, that you please find it in your heart to forgive me. I know I don’t deserve even the slightest kindness, I don’t expect a rekindled friendship, or relationship of any kind. I am so, so sorry.
Lord, I pray blessings and honor upon my sister in Christ. I praise you and thank you for using even things buried so far away for your glory. Father, I ask that any pain and strife I have caused in her life be provided for with an infinitely greater amount of love, happiness, peace, and healing. Thank you for using her words and attitude to bless my life subconsciously all these years, and for your mercy and humility in birthing this heart of repentance in me. In Jesus mighty name, provide her a cover of protection. Guard her heart, and allow only those with pure and righteous intentions access. Use me as an instrument of grace and protection in others’ lives. You are beautiful and Your ways are perfect. Thank You for Your Wisdom and Love. Thank you for your forgiveness, Lord, and for the Life you have made in us. Decrease our selves, oh God, and let your Spirit reign within us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
“…if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”
—Matthew 5:23-24, NIV
Did I step on your trumpet? Yeah, big time.
One last thing, and this is absolutely up to you. Here is my personal contact information. If you are interested in resuming communication with me, I would very much welcome it. If not, I completely understand. Thank you for hearing me.
Phone: 214-293-9564
Email: randy@bangarang.us
AIM: CAPTAlNWOW
I’m not including my address here, as this posts automatically to my Facebook and I want to maintain some semblance of privacy, plus I’m about to move. But, if you’d like that information for whatever reason you’re more than welcome to ask.
Filed under: Info Burst
Today’s temperature is skyrocketing fast.
I had a decent amount of Marshal time last night. Came away with a few righteous new pairs of shoes as part of the distribution of a hoarder’s shoe collection who is now in counseling. Pray for dude, and pray for me that he doesn’t find me with his shoes on and beat me down. So it goes. We talked mainly of a practical way to convert Mars into a habitable planet. It seemed doable up until we both realized that the planet lacks a strong magnetic field, and would just be constantly leaking atmosphere into open space. Bummer. How does one magnetize the core of an entire planet? You could use a force-field, but that’s a huge liability, some crazy could turn it off and vent the whole population. I proposed finding a big metal comet and slamming it into the planet, but that could have all kinds of negative repercussions. Oh well.
Now is the time to pay the penance because I’ve lived too long without certain beauty.
When I get to heaven I’m going to find me a girl and we’re going to lay on our backs in the field and watch the clouds for some millennia. Thank you, Jesus.
Filed under: Garble
I’ve been writing like demon child asbestos-breath. Or not. Maybe more like an angular druid-wraith-metallicized skyscraping atom-smasher. —-
Famous last words: “I’m not drunk, I’m only bleeding.” My pen is leaking where the cat hit it. I saw my cat’s nictitating membranes lazily sheathing his emerald marble-eyes earlier. They looked like little cloudy earths set deep in the milky way passage of his coat. Deep, but giant, like the self-important guesses of a pre-scientific artisan. I’m not weird, I’m just bleeding.
People’s minds are pretty much theirs. They do largely what you want them to do, and sometimes we allow things to become scrambled because it works out better for us that way in the meantime. No big deal, just a healthy paradigm change waiting around the corner. Sometimes I think I write because I love the English language. Sometimes I think it’s because I hate it. Language is the bastard doppleganger of the pure idea. Writ is its unseemly and simple cousin who hangs out by the water fountain.
Tell Shaq to give me my precious vitamins back. Hahaha. Seriously, I’m having trouble synthesizing the proper aminos and junk.
I pray I am given an opportunity to use the word “wenchzest” in every day conversation sometime in the near future.
I remember camp days, but I’m not stuck there. I remember mud dabbers carousing in corners, alighting menacingly on lunch bags. Sweat and bug juice. Hurry and get out of the water, Tommy saw a snake.
Like like like like Hey – God is great and God is good, let’s burn down the neighborhood. Metaphoricalically.
Sometimes I feel like writing but I spout nonsense. It makes sense to me, at the time. A thought-attack caused by mingled connections between the interweaving strings of my brains. Like so many soft explosions firing in all directions, a battlefield at dusk, seen from space. If you talk like that, the girls won’t get it. Well, _____ the girls. That’s what the goal is anyway, right? Let’s really liberate the post-modern female. How about you get off your high-horse and off your knees. We told you to wear make-up so you wore make-up. Now we don’t care, but you still wear it. Why? Because if you don’t, someone other female will and that could be you. Should be you. Must be you. We’ve helped breed an insidious thing, competition without prize.
Pictures and ideals suck you dry like an old sponge. A women’s revolution took her from one slave-gig to another. The hidden truth isn’t gender-specific; it’s life specific. Revolute inside. Let Christ extract you to the no-zone. Freedom comes on the wings of His saving knowledge and curious infinite Grace. Thank you Jesus.
God made me. He set my brainz aflame. He set my heart abuzz. He put oceanz in mine eyez. He said, “Thou shalt not LOL but laugh aloud.” So I did, you know?
Filed under: Truth
Commence: Now!
Instead of a box of chocolates life is more like forcing yourself to stare into the sun. Or reaching into the lion’s mouth. Have faith in God, climb in, sift through his entrails. You’ve got to pull your soul out.
And anyone who says it isn’t is a liar and should be fwapped in the face by an old man’s cane for living like spooked horses heading toward ravines.
Step one in grabbing the reigns: Really remember that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. The lie of youth is that nothing is impossible, the lie of adulthood is that everything is impossible. The word of Truth is that nothing is impossible with God. The stumbling block here is the stumbling block anywhere – the physical muckery of it all. Rationality is a custom concept. A connection to God is established when it becomes rational to do so. Set your limits HIGHER. Expect MORE. Raise the standards of what you put your trust into. Stop selling yourself short.
Quote me on this:
Faith is the place where rationality and spirituality meet. It is the intersecting point of two realities. It is a sixth sense. The only human means of transcending the confines of the few dimensions we can comprehend. People say the need for faith is God’s greatest curse. I think it is one of God’s greatest mercies.
We are spared from witnessing and physically taking part in a myriad of warfare and chaos (on our behalf) in other dimensions, at the hands of creatures far more powerful and capable than ourselves. If that isn’t enough, we are given the right to directly participate in fighting (and winning) these battles without so much as sustaining a scratch or smelling the burning “flesh” of the enemy. To access these battles and deal our death blows to the enemy, we must simply exercise our ability of Faith.
Faith is not easily definable in human terms, probably because it is so un-human. Or rather, un-what humans have become. It is the divine language of communion. It is excluded from culture, science, and most religion – but it is core and central to our being. Perhaps (to quote the late, great White Zombie) it is MORE human than human.
Pray against devils. Pray against addictions. Pray against evil. Speak out against these things with the authority you have in Christ. If you are not in Christ, GET THERE. Break the chains you’ve been wrapped in. Crash through the windows. Run from the maze. Open the lion’s mouth and reach in and take back your soul.
It IS that easy.
Filed under: Scrutons
The reality of society is saturated with inherent non-individualism. The individual is wondered at as if a zoo animal or novelty creature, not as a necessary tool for the development of new social constructs. As a culture, we see a constant recycling and intermashing of trends and social ideas due to the suppression of legitimately free thinking. It is within the boundaries of our human intellectual limits to conceptualize and deconstruct the artificial portions of our daily realities. As far as we’re concerned, thinking outside the box MUST take place within a bigger box. But can we define what makes up the bigger box? What taboo materials compose the shell of the biggest box?
In order to keep from being confronted by a steady stream of uncomfortable anti-ideals or thoughts produced in a “no-realm” or outside even the biggest box, we employ various types of social taskmasters and policemen. The explanations for these immutable presences are wrapped up in the idea that somehow the flow of human progress would grind to a screeching halt if these forces were not constantly playing upon our conscious (and mainly subconscious) aware-periods. What we consider to be culture can actually become our slave-master. Fashion, trend, media, social communication tools all work against us in order to keep us tethered to certain systems deemed “the most efficient” or stable. We create monsters when we allow our cultures to define us as individuals. We willingly allow ourselves to become sub-human in application.
Most likely, the only solution is a re-education in our true nature as humans and children of the Most High God. As believers, certain realizations are required of us. To know that we are Loved and to Love. To know that we have power over evil and disease, and can speak things into existence. To know that we have power over culture and society and that our place in it is defined by the deep new currents of Christ-self manifesting inside of us. Our true redeemed “selves” are present and fully that, but Christ is Lord over us. Our true natures are expressed through Him. Real communication is the non-verbal action of reinforcing principles. Our convictions manifest themselves in the working of our hands. Our new ideas must be allowed to see the light of day.
Lord, you know my true self intimately. I pray that you bring my self in You to the forefront of my existence. Let it be the only self I am identified with. Lord, allow me the grace to accept the rebuttal and pervasive fear of change and challenge in the world around me. Jesus, fill me with love and your glory, so that my presence and attitude may magnify your holy name and face. I thank you for making me a unique and beautiful individual directly to your specifications and in accordance with your will and plan. Lord, help me to remember that in times when I am not understood or accepted by my fellow persons in this life. Let Love flow from both places, and let those interactions only ultimately end in proclamation of your glory.
Today’s frustrations have spawned new words here. I get a decent amount of flack for being misunderstood or “too” this or that. Some popular adjectives are: overwhelming, intellectual, intense, too direct or “clear”, awkward, zealous, religious, old-fashioned, and/or on some level socially inappropriate. Lord, don’t let me be a stumbling block, but a witness. Father, provide understanding to all those around me. Provide me the understanding and humility I need to accept that I cannot change their responses. Amen.
Filed under: Garble
Get sacked. Move mountains. Confess with your mouth. You wanna bless others? Invest in their dreams. Dream-empathy is the key to Love.
Then, unlock your box and purrrrrr.
Filed under: Truth
Lord Jesus, please save me from my idiocy. Please save me from myself.
Oh God! Keep making me into something new! Hurry! I want to be so much more yours.
Filed under: Truth
Fact: I am a creature of obsession. I am dishonest with myself about this and have been for far too long. My obsessions are vain attempts to escape primary reality by building a false sense of hopefulness in an alternate “preferred” reality. Thus my life, motivations, and persona get shaped by the view down from the clouds. I get a chemical fix in my brain by imagining my life without the missed opportunities and terrifyingly mundane true realities occurring around me at all times. My dream-life is the future outcome of a past not yet lived. Like dimensional protrusions – they’re the carrots I taunt myself with to keep going.
The scary thing is, I’m supposed to be going because God has called me to go, not because I’m dangling juicy “what-ifs” in front of my own face. I saturate my mind in situational probabilities. I look to the unlikely and I recline in the dead places. Why do I need to hang onto the past?
In my Tuesday night 12-step group, we talk about hoarding. I hoard memories of lives never lived. I hoard impossible dreams. I collect them and I play them back and forth. I stumble through existence hoping to suddenly open a door and woosh! They’re reality! My retreat into fictions has starved my present self of a full awareness of God’s glory and richness NOW.
Fact: There is no one in the room but God. Lord, are you calling out to me? Are you wondering why I see others faces in place of your own? Are you wondering why I seek shadows and barter dust? You see my heart, my selfishness. My pride and arrogance. I’m sorry, Lord. I confess these things unto you. Take them and draw them out of me. Fill me with your Love. Let your strength be my guide, over and through the fear of the stark present. I’ve lived lifetimes in dreams. Lord, take control of my heart and guide me through the blessing of today. You have commanded the sun to shine and the earth to turn. Thank you for my awareness of now. Thank you for the richness of your daily blessing.
I choose today to serve you.
It’s high time my life was fully centered on You.
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